Museum :)

Today we went to the Denver Art Museum. I realized that my biggest dream before I die is to get something into a museum. I just think that'd be the greatest thing in the whole world :D it was me and Ryan and Daniela and my parents.

It was really fun, until Ryan started getting all grouchy and I was hungry so I got all snippy back at him and then it was just a complete mess. I've been having so much trouble lately.

This evening I was in Target getting my mom's birthday present and I just broke down. I started crying and I couldn't even stop to buy my stuff, so I just left. I felt so pathetic.

I feel like I'm being crushed, physically. It feels like theres so much pressure right now and I'm just going to crack.

Some of my closer friends are having a New Years party, but I wasn't invited. I don't understand why, either. I dislike not being invited to things, especially when its my best friends... Maybe they're mad at me. But I don't know what I would have done! None of them have really talked to me since school got out. I hate this. I just want to graduate and be done with all of this stupid high school stuff.

Christmas

Christmas was really good up until the end.

I got a new iPod and a dinosaur coloring book! :D It was great, and it was fun and everyone got along.

Then, at dinner, Shiloh was being really annoying under the table and when I looked under his paws were all wonky and sticking out and he was flailing about and I thought he had gotten caught in something, so I went down to help him and he got really stiff and fell over and started shaking :(

So then I started crying, because he was having a seizure, and he's my puppy! And he just layed there shaking for like five minutes, and I'm crying, and my moms crying and it was just awful. Then we took him to the Animal Hospital and we sat there for like two hours while they ran tests in him. Then they told us that they have to keep him over night, so we went home.

I'm just scared.. My little puppy.. :(

Today is Boxing Day, and the Cooks' always have a party. But I don't want to go. I don't like being around them anymore. Its not fun for me. I feel like an outcast when I'm with them, because I don't enjoy any of the same things as them, and I don't have any of the same friends and its just awkward! And Daniela was suppose to come, and now she's not and I'm just feeling so blue. Christmas is over, Shilohs in the hospital, its gloomy outside, and all of my friends are too busy for me.

I'm really wishing for happier times...

I mean, I'm having such a hard time right now, and all of my friends, except Elizabeth and Nick ,are too busy to even notice or care.

I miss Josh. I know I shouldn't, and I'm pretty much over him, but I miss everything. I just want to go back in time to summer when everything was easy and good.

I really hope this semester goes by fast. I need to start over somewhere new.

:D

Today a man came up to me and told me I look like Taylor Swift. Then he asked if anyone had ever told me that before, and when I said no he was all "Thats amazing, because you look just like her. I saw your face and I had to do a double take!" This made me really excited :) I love Taylor Swift! That man made my day.

Anywho, the past few days have been really good :) We put up our Christmas tree last night, which is always the greatest thing in the world! Hahah, I've just been in such a good mood lately. Part of this, I think, is because I don't talk to Josh anymore. And I talk to Nick a lot.. Heh :) He makes me feel better in every way, I wish he lived her.
Also, another reason everythings better is because Miss Willis, my humanities teacher, read my journal. After everything that happened with my break up with Josh and my O.D. and how I spent that night in the hospital I wrote it down for her to read. Of course, after that she stopped grading the journals. But last week she started reading them again and she freaked out and asked to talk to me after class. We stayed like half an hour into 3rd period talking about everything that happened. Its really nice having someone else whose been through that kind of stuff to help me get through everything. I'm just so happy!

Also, this:

I LOVE MY BEANSY BEANSY BEANS BEANS BEANS

Except her name is Misha. But I call her beans. We made the moustaches in AP Art out of friskit film. :D I love it. Then we gave them to Phil. He was really really excited.

:]

song of the day: Christmas Must Mean Something More, Taylor Swift

Blecky

HMM so today was really weird. I was feeling all good and happy and then BAM! Stupid Josh drama kills me again. But I wrote him a letter and gave it to him, and now I feel better. I'm so sick of this, I just want to go to college or get on break already.

Anywho, I'm going to youth group with Angie and Tori tonight! I haven't gone to youth group in sooo long, I'm pretty stoked. I'm just feeling really happy right now :] PICTURES!

Me and Emerson

:D

I took this of Alex and Shiloh, and I just think its really cool

BROSKI

These are from Thanksgiving in Wyoming :D It was so fun, I wish we could have stayed up there longer!

Picture to Burn :]

State the obvious
I didn’t get my perfect fantasy
I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me
So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy
That’s fine; i'll tell mine you're gay and by the way....

I hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time
As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn.

There's no time for tears
I'm just sitting here planning my revenge
There's nothing stopping me
From goin' out with all of your best friends.
And if you come around
Saying sorry to me
My daddy’s gonna show you how sorry you'll be

'Cause I hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time
As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn.

And if you're missing me
You better keep it to yourself
Cuz coming back around here
Would be bad for your health

'Cause I hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time
In case you haven’t heard

I really really hate that stupid old pick up truck you never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time
As far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn

Burn, burn, burn, baby, burn
you're just another picture to burn
Baby, burn.....

I love Taylor Swift :] She has a song for every time I feel something. Its wonderful!

So. Ready. For. College.

I'm so ready for college. I'm so excited.

• I'm getting the FRICK out of here!
• I'm gonna be a Wyoming Cowboy
• I get to meet all new people
• I can start over :)
• I'll be on my own, and look out for myself for once
• Its close enough to home that I can still see my family and old friends
• I get to start a new chapter in my life. And this ones gonna be good. :)

Good stuff :)

Basically, I'm stupid. I don't want to be with Josh anymore. Not romantically, anyways. I was so distraught earlier, and I guess it was just shock. After I went to see my counsoler, I felt so much better. We aren't right for each other at all. Maybe before, but not anymore. Trying to stay together was just a silly mistake. My counsoler and I talked about it and everything I wanted in a guy.

I said:

• Sympathy, because I cry so much
• Someone who needs me
• Someone who will open up to me
• He's himself around me, and we want the same things
• Animals :)

Okay, so the animals one is silly :) but seriously! I love animals so much, and I want to have animals around my house, and I just couldn't be with someone who didn't. Anyways, I realized that Josh wasn't really any of these, and we just didn't make a good couple at all. I still would LOVE for him to be my best friend, but I understand he needs his time. I'm just so happy that I'm not so broken after this. I have so much more living to do, and I need to grow. Theres so much I want to be but I'm not right now, and I feel like I couldn't do that if I was in a relationship. I'm just so proud of myself because I'm not being insane this time. :D Today is the start of something. I'm going to be the best I can possibly be!

Stupid mistakes.

So I broke up with Josh, quite impulively. I wish I didn't do it. I love him so much, and I hate myself. The whole thing where he doesn't think I want him. He thinks I just want someone like him. I don't. I want him. When I got home, I realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life... I wish I could take it back... I'm so angry with myself for being so impulsive. And I went to talk to him afterwards, but he didn't want to talk to me, and I don't think he'll ever take me back. I wish he would just give me one more shot... I know I can be better, and I know I was asking too much from him, but I know that now! I wish he would believe me. I wish he would just give me another shot... ebfiruebgnjsdfsf what is wrong with me?! I hate myself. I wish I could turn back time. This is so stupid. My mom said "You can do this without him." And I know I can. I know He doesn't have to be in my life for me to be happy. I just don't want to be without him. His smell, his eyes, his voice. Everything. I'm going to miss it so much. I can't even breathe. He said he needed someone consistant, so I'm going to become that for him. Even if he never sees it, I want to be like that. There's no one else I'd rather be with. Not one person. And its going to be so hard seeing him every day... I hope he'll still be my best friend... Thats even harder. Losing a boyfriend is one thing, but losing my best friend... I want to die. I wish I didn't open my big stupid mouth. Maybe he'll be better off without me. I mean, I just want him to be happy... ghf;llepfkbgrdsfhji I wish I could hold him again. I just hurt so bad. Physically. And I can't even do anything about it. I want him to see that I can be what he needs if he only gives me a chance. I mean, tons of couples break up and get back together! Maybe we'll be like that! I have to think positively. Everythings gonna be okay. "If you love something, and its true, it will always come back." Thats what his mom told me the first time we broke up. Maybe it will be okay. Oh I hope so. I don't think he'll ever understand how greatful I'll be if he lets me try one more time...

Bleck.

I've been awake on and off since 3:30 this morning. I had all these weird dreams. In the first one, I worked at Safeway with my friends Katy, Kristen and Daniela, and our manager was this kid named Nando, whose totally creepy. Anywho, the next dream I had I just got nice texts from Josh, and when I woke up I was like ...Crap! Then in the next one I got maulled by a bear. And it was crazy, because I was watching it from above. The worst part was, in all of these dreams Josh was there comforting me or something and then I woke up! It was so frustrating. My friend Chelsea said that 6 months was when the relationship starts to suck, but I think we can get through it. We've been through so much already, I know that whatever tries to punch us in the face! :) I love how when I write everything down I don't get so freaked out and I know everythings gonna be okay. This is gonna be really good for me.

Things I'm ready for:

• Graduation!
• Going to college in Wyoming
• December, because of Christmas, maybe going to Virginia, AND No-Shave-November is over
• Talking to Josh today :)
  

In our hands we hold the present, in our minds we hold the past, and in our hearts we hold the future.

Pictures?

This is my best friend after she graduated from rehab in June 19, 2009. This was two days before my birthday, so basically she was my birthday present.. Haha! I was so proud. :) We celebrated in Las Vegas and we stopped
at Zion Canyon on the way back. I missed her! Also on the way back, we saw an ostrich farm. Needless to say, we were pretty excited. Yeah, we're that cool.
This is my brother and me at the Museum of Natural History. We're in front of one of those heat sensor thingies and I thought it was really silly so I took a picture :) I love my brother.
This is Josh and me stealing cookies from the cookie jar...Or bucket... I just love him! We have fun. :D
Below is my mother. We have the same smile :D
And thats my puppy, Shiloh. Up close and personal.

This is like my Third post today...
As you can see, I have no life. :D

Hurray!

So, now I've got everything looking good!
I'm really excited about this. Really, all I want to do is write what I think about so I don't take it out on the people I love.

So right now I'm freaking out. Josh is my best friend. And I'm in love with him. But I'm afraid he's so preoccupied with not hurting me after he goes to San Diego that it's not letting him enjoy his time with me now. This makes me nervous. I know we're not going to get married or anything, but I sure like being with him now. It just makes me want to cry. At 10 this morning he said he'd text me in a bit, and its 5:30 now and nothing.. I asked him if he was mad at me and he said "No I just need my space today." Which makes me even more nervous because the last time he said that he broke up with me the next day. Of course, he came back crying the next day when he did that... Haha! I just miss the way things use to be, you know? Over summer we were so intense and it was perfect. Now its all messed up and unpleasant. Stupid college. Its the only thing that messes us up. I know I'm never gonna love someone like I love him, but he doesn't seem to want to believe me. He always goes on about how I'm going to meet someone and be happy, and yeah, maybe I will. I don't know whats gonna happen, but still. I just want him to understand that right now he's my world. I know that we'll be friends after we go our separate ways (and honestly, the physical chemistry that we have will make it really hard to keep our hands off each other whenever we're together). :) I love him, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for our relationship.

Hmm...

So I have no idea what I'm doing...
I can't figure out how to add anything where I want it! So frustrating...
I still think this'll be fun though (:

Well, I'm Rebecca. I'm 17 and I like drawing.
I can't wait to get this working!